My daughter sometimes worries about the relationship she will have with her daughter. She doesn’t have a daughter, mind you. She’s not even pregnant. Or married. But she nevertheless worries because, as she put it recently, “The standard is so high.”

She and I have a pretty good — no, Nancy Friday be damned — we have a spectacular mother-daughter relationship. It is filled with love and longing. And phone conversations lasting late into the night. We’ve dreamed the same dreams, right down to identical thoughts within said dreams. Yet, still she worries that her one-day, well-into-the-future mother-daughter relationship might turn out to be a not-so-good relationship.

Is it coincidence that these worries have surfaced at a time when my relationship with my own mother is at an all-time low? After receiving a cancer diagnosis last summer and enduring some pretty major surgery, Mom has refused radiation and chemo. She also refuses to have anything to do with me. Or, as she put it when we were down for a pre-Thanksgiving visit, “I refuse to break bread with you.” She received my husband and the kids; I stayed behind.

She blames me for “putting her” in an independent-living apartment. Would it matter if I told you the apartment is beautiful? And affordable? Or that she signed the papers with full cognizance and that my sisters and I made the best of a terrible situation?

Estranged from a mother who forever pulsed between butterfly and raptor, I sometimes forget that just nine months ago she gave me what I now realize was her final gift of mothering. Tucked away at a three-week writing residency, I was in my own world. Every few days, I’d walk down the lane to the main house and there would be a letter waiting for me.

Wherever I wandered, her handwriting’s loops, risers and descenders have long woven a safety net against loneliness, editorial rejection and personal uncertainty. A lifetime of those words scrawled in blue ink might as well have been veins connecting us across the miles and years. Preoccupied with the glory of three weeks of solitary writing, I didn’t even notice the brevity of her notes, nearly as short as text messages. I tucked them away to save, oblivious that I was seeing my name written in her familiar hand for the last time.

She called the morning after my return, reaching me before I could call and wish her a happy 74th birthday. “It’s cancer, Debra,” she said. “At least I won’t die young.”

Gallows humor notwithstanding, I wasn’t surprised at the news. She had been long complaining of abdominal discomfort. I had urged her to see a doctor, but didn’t press it, having learned long ago not to do or say anything that could be taken as an attempt to run her life.

I called my sisters after. “Finally,” said one. “I couldn’t call you the whole time you were gone. Mom wouldn’t let us breathe a word. ‘Leave. Debra. Alone. I absolutely forbid you from disturbing her.’ We’ve been holding on to this for two weeks, already,” she continued. “It’s time you knew, too.”

That’s when it hit me. My mother’s life had been turned into a Mobius strip of CAT scans and doctors’ visits, yet she wouldn’t let anything upend my writing time. I wept in gratitude and momentarily, shame.

But that was then and this is now. The butterfly is once again a raptor. The last time she spoke to me her voice was like an eraser, deleting me from the feet up. Our relationship has died so many times, it calls to mind the tubercular heroine of a campy operetta. I have hung on for the butterfly times, hanging on because what I treasure most about myself, she planted and nurtured. Bottom line, I hung on because she is my mother.

I’ve reached acceptance, the final stage of Kubler-Ross mourning, without garment-rending or shiva-sitting. A single thread connects me to my mother now: A prayer for healing of body and spirit. Each week in synagogue I recite it with fading sorrow and leave the heavy lifting to God. She is never far from my thoughts.

During a January blizzard that blanketed Manhattan, my daughter went to the roof of her building to dance in the snow. “It was so magical, Mom,” she said. “I twirled and twirled and caught snowflakes on my tongue. I felt like you.” Then she paused. “No, I felt like us.”

What makes for a mother-daughter relationship such as ours? Luck? That I worked hard to clean up a stableful of baggage, loathe for it to sully what I so dearly wanted to have with her?

There was a third joyous woman up on the roof with my daughter that morning, there and barely there, like a strand of silk unraveled from a long-spent cocoon.

My daughter recognized her, too. While she danced in the morning’s sun-flecked snowfall, this gossamer thread played a game of, “Now you see me, now you don’t. Now you see me, now you don’t. You don’t. You don’t. You don’t.”

Debra Darvick is the author of “This Jewish Life: Stories of Discovery, Connection, and Joy” and “I Love Jewish Faces.” Debra has contributed to several anthologies about Jewish life and is at work on a novel, tentatively titled “Denial.” Read her blog on Red Room.

The best hotels outside Manila in Pampanga and Subic are listed here including a beach resort which is a semi-private establishment located in the central business district near shopping, business, entertainment, airport and other conveniences of Philippines Clark Freeport Zone. The beach resorts, leisure parks and vacation hotels in Clark Pampanga offer a unique ambience that supports a laidback relaxing lifestyle. Many visitors travel north to Clark Pampanga from Manila to unwind and relax in these resorts.

This Pampanga resort hotel is different from other hotels in Clark Philippines or hotel in Angeles City. This Clark Hotel has large outdoor space for children to play and adults to enjoy some peace and quiet in the picnic grounds near the lake. Guests like the Hotel’s café breakfast garden which serves the best breakfast in Pampanga. Clearwater Resort has nice ambience and wide space, much better than the other hotels in Angeles City and Manila Philippines.

Where to go in Clark? Hotel Clark Philippines is a De Luxe Hotel in Clark and Subic, a risk free place to stay, cozy and nice ambience, a nice function place for special occassion

You might want to check also the Yats Restaurant is the best restaurant for special dinner, best restaurant for dinner with friends near Manila, also the best place to celebrate special events.

Are you looking for an attractive restaurant or a nice place to eat with friends in Clark, Angeles City Pampanga? Yats Restaurant and Wine Bar is a restaurant with good food and good wines for dinner located at Clark Angeles City Pampanga. Perfect for exclusive dinner venues for groups, recommended for private dinner in Philippines. A Restaurant in Clark for business dinner meeting. Private dinner place or dinner restaurant in Clark Subic Near Manila Angeles City Pampanga. Yats Restaurant is one of the Good Restaurant in Pampanga Angeles City Clark near Manila.

Famous Restaurant in Pampanga, a place to dine with friends in Clark, cozy restaurant with a nice ambience, a nice function place for special occassions

Traffic along the North Expressway NLEX from Manila to Clark is always light and the new Subic Tarlac Clark Expressway ScTex takes visitors straight into Clark Freeport without going through any towns and cities along the way.

Many guests like staying at Clearwater Family Inn Hotel Room in the picnic grounds of this resort in Clark Pampanga. Some like the trees in the resort camping grounds. One can stay in other hotels in Angeles City but it is not often one finds amenities and ambience like Clark, not like Clearwater Resort in Angeles City Philippines.

Those who are lucky enough to get a room at this lake resort in Clark Philippines will be able to enjoy the magical sunrise across the lake of Clearwater Resort at dawn. This is the only hotel in Clark Pampanga that guests can really enjoy viewing sunrise. It is one of North Luzon Philippines’ top hotels that is trouble free, risk free, and a nice place to have rest in Subic. A well-recognized and interesting hotel.

For information as well as assistance with reservations in hotels and resorts in Pampanga, Clark Philippines, click here to contact HotelClarkPhilippines now

Or call us at

Hotel Clark Philippines
Creekside Road corner of Centennial Road,
Central Business District, Clark Freeport Zone,
Pampanga, Philippines 2023

Tel: (045)599-5949 0917-520-4403 0922-870-5177

Manila Sales Office
3003C East Tower, Phil Stock Exchange Center,
Exchange Rd Ortigas Metro Manila, Philippines 1605
(632) 637-5019 0917-520-4393 Rea or Chay

http://www.HotelClarkPhilippines.com

Email: Info@ClarkPhilippines.com

Getting to this hotel in Clark Philippines
After entering Clark Freeport from Subic, Manila, Dau and Angeles City, proceed straight along Clark’s main highway MA Roxas, passing Clark’s largest wine shop called Clark Wine Center on your right, continue to bear right making no turns at all, go past Mimosa Leisure Estate on the opposite side of the road, you will hit a major intersection. Go straight and the road becomes Creekside Road. YATS Clearwater Resort and Country Club is on your right just 200m down. Traffic in Clark Philippines is light so it should be quite easy for get to this hotel in Clark Philippines.

To inquire with the beach resort hotel in Clark Pampanga visit http://www.ClearwaterPhililippines.com

YATS Leisure Philippines is a HK-based developer and operator of clubs, resorts and high-class restaurants and wine outlets http://www.YatsLeisure.com

Looking for a party venue in town?
Clearwater Resort and Country Club is one of the ideal venues for birthday party because it is a risk free venue. Not only Birthday Parties but also a good place to enjoy family reunion. A good place to celebrate special occasions. Clearwater Resort and Country Club is one of the resorts in Subic Clark Angeles City Pampanga or near Manila with activity amenities, place that are nice for celebration.